• B R E A T H E •

Dear Beatrice,

You’re doing the thing again: writing a letter to yourself.

You’ve been doing that a lot this past year: reflecting, asking yourself these big scary questions and finally having some much needed introspection time.

But this letter is doubly special, you see. It’s the start of the New Year and of a new decade. *dramatic pause for that to sink in* And no, we’re not going to be making resolutions in this letter cause we already know how you feel on that matter.

How did you get here, Bea?

2019 was many things and by far the most challenging year of your life but you survived it. It’s like you’ve lived out an entire decade in the span of just one year. That’s how intense it’s been but you fought tooth and nail and you’ve come out of the battle victorious.

2019 was a year of many trials, heartaches and essentially life-changing experiences. You’ve felt ‘stuck’ for a long time now in so many ways; in your career path, in your relationships, with yourself. Like time is slipping away, the whole world is moving forward and leaving you behind.

You need to stop examining your life under such a prejudiced magnifying glass. Do not fret any longer on whether the events of 2019 were for the good or the bad. All things happen for a reason and the one thing you have control over is your attitude, your reactions and how you take life in its stride.

The decade ahead is going to be a life-changing one. You will continue to find yourself as you grow and make choices that will set the foundation for the rest of your journey. You’ve had a rough time and in no way is this an invalidation of your struggles but you should no longer allow the past or the things you cannot control to be an obstacle to you finding happiness.

That happiness you seek? It starts with you.

From the past, present and future Beatrice to the one currently reading this letter at any point in time or space: as you embark upon the grand adventures that life has in store for you, here are some things to keep in mind:

Stop being so hard on yourself.

You need to cut yourself some slack and give yourself more credit. Why are you so forgiving of everyone else but yourself? You think that being hard on yourself brings out the best in you, and it has, but it’s also chipped away, little by little, at your self-esteem and warped your sense of pride.

You don’t own your victories anymore, you just sweep them under the rug and set your sights on a taller mountain to climb when you’ve barely caught your breath from conquering the last one.

Stop. Stop giving unlimited chances to everyone while sparing none for yourself. Show yourself the kindness you reserve for the rest of the world. Believe me when I say: you are far more deserving of it.

Create your own (Bea)utiful.

You’ve taken the road less traveled by. It takes real guts and bravery to choose the path you have and stick to it. And I get it.

It’s hard and very lonely sometimes. You look around and see everyone else going about things a simpler way, having ‘fun’ and enjoying their youth. Never ever give into that thought process. You’re digging yourself a grave there, Bea.

Remember: you have real gumption. You’ve always been ahead of your years and yeah, gaining that maturity so young, so fast came with a price but look at all you’ve gained in the process. Look at the warrior you’ve become.

Creating a meaningful life for yourself and achieving your dreams means challenging not only yourself but the world. People will try to dissuade you when they see you doing something different. You’ve encountered this before and you will again: those who want to take away your special spark. Did you let them? Have you ever?

Surround yourself with positivity.

You’ll soon realize the sacrifices you’ve made by taking the road less traveled by: they’ll get you to exactly where you need to be. What you’ve dreamt of.

And you will no longer fret on giving up simpler pleasures, on trading in the fleeting and short-lived ecstasies for a life of genuine and lasting joy and meaning that you’ve created for yourself.

Celebrate everything.

You are exactly where you’re meant to be right now. Live all your moments, even the tiny ones that seem insignificant because trust me, they’re not.

There might be moments where you feel like you’ve lost yourself and you’re unsure of the things that seemed so unshakeable before. But that’s okay. That’s how life keeps you on your toes.

Believe in yourself and your path, even if it isn’t so clear. Take each day as it comes and don’t project too much onto the future. Give it some space to grow, take shape and unravel from the wonderful mystery that it is on its own.

And while life unravels, delight in every little thing it shows you: the bad and the good.

Let go.

You hold on far too long to the things that hurt you: to the people that don’t deserve your love, to the memories that were of a past you are no longer tied to and to your own self-destructive thoughts that keep you from living in the now.

You live in two worlds and in neither of them do you live for yourself. Stop bleeding yourself dry for the things that are simply not worth it.

And I know what you’ll say. It’s what you always do: you make excuses and keep hoping for a turnaround in the things you can’t control.

“It’s complicated.” “It’s not that simple.”

Except, Beatrice, it really is.

Stop doing everyone else a kindness and do one for yourself: let. fucking. go.

Have the grace to let go of the things, of the people and of the choices that are not meant for you. Not everything that crosses your path will be there forever. People come and go. Some leave lasting magic, others disappointment. Do not hold animosity against anyone but appreciate the experiences they leave you with. Learn from them.

It will be okay. At the end of the day, you’ve always been standing on your own two feet.

All you are guaranteed is yourself, never forget this.

L I V E

Life is this great, big, beautiful unknown.

You will realize, time and time again, the vulnerabilities you’ve felt in your darkness is not weakness at all in the light of a new day. Reading this letter won’t cut it. You’ll have to live the pain, live the joys, live all the little hurts that make you real.

I see you, Beatrice. Peering into the darkness and uncertainties of the path ahead of you, sporting a grin. You try to hide that your hands are shaking as you fidget to try and turn on the flashlight for illumination, for just a little clue into what you’re walking into. Here’s what I want you to do.

You take that flashlight, turn right around, face the blinding light from the past 22 years that you’ve already lived and throw it as hard as you can. Throw it into the face of certainty, throw it into the chapters of your life that are already done.

Now, turn back, take a deep, steady breath, face your future and start walking.

You don’t need that flashlight, Beatrice.

You are the light.

i am Home.

. hiraeth . 
a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past

@milkyway_tv ✨ ✨ ✨ 📷@8thdamon @jelenapiplica851 ♥️ • • • ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨

On a rare star-studded night, I entertained a conversation with a companion that weaved its way between topics of varying degrees of sensitivity. Music hummed in the background as we discussed matters of the heart and my words conjured memories of a past that I believed had faded but demanded to be unearthed once more.

The dull throb of alcohol pounding through my veins induced me into a gentle, trance-like state as we spoke about the purpose of life and finding one’s calling. We talked about the beauty of travel and exploring new places, chuckling over the irony of how throwing ourselves in foreign environments is what helps us makes sense of who we are the most. And he asked me, the baltering nomad, the one question I found I’d attached to the mystery of my identity: ‘what is home to you?’

I don’t know whether I could attribute the moment of enlightenment that followed to my ins-and-outs of momentary consciousness, or perhaps to the soulful strums of a guitar reverberating from the speakers, unlocking rooms that I’d once believed were vacant and uninhabited inside my chest. 

I told him then, with more clarity than I knew I’d ever had for a concept that had haunted me all my life, that ‘home’ to me was not a place but a feeling. How I attached my existence and different fibers of my being to moments, to people, to experiences that, when I’m living in that very time, consume me but then escape, leaving me desolate and reaching for a semblance of home. 

I belong and exist everywhere  and nowhere, all at the same time. Home is fleeting, scattered and stretched over a span of years where I feel I did not wholly exist, spare for those moments in which I was simply everything. Those seconds, though fleeting, held an entire universe of depth to my wandering soul. Seconds that once lived, were lost, and locked away in memory to be nothing more than that: just a memory.

I told him my arms grew tired and my heart drained from constantly reaching for those infinitesimal infinities – so now, I rest, wrapping them around this empty vassal of a body that is both, hopeful and longing to be filled again, and at once, utterly broken in her isolation.

I don’t know how much of that translated into words he could make sense of but that night, I had divulged a part of me that I hadn’t known existed to a trusted friend. 

I didn’t know that night, that in my life’s quest for a home, for that temporary feeling of belonging, I had denied myself the understanding of what was truly being built. The grand masterpiece of my hiraeth that I seek to find is not the end in itself but the journey that continues to unravel through the fragile fabrics of time and space. When these small, meaningful moments, sprinkled across various points of time, come together collectively, it creates the home I’ve been blindly chasing all my life.

Recently, my hiraeth is being fulfilled in ways I never imagined it could; in moments that last longer than a heartbeat which embed themselves in memories I refuse to lock away but cherish, even while I’m living them. Suddenly, everything I felt I’d ever lost is coming back and everything I never knew I’d needed is right here. 

My arms are no longer tired from reaching because my fingers have finally found another’s to lock onto, the tiny perfect spaces between our skin interlacing to fit together somehow amidst this puzzle we call life. My heart is no longer drained but filled to the brim with a sense of beauty and completion. 

By the very fingers that stretched into the ether, in desperation for a home that would fill me, I reach into myself – my heart, my mind and my soul. And I realize –

My hiraeth led me to this wondrous, miraculous soul but I know that he is not the answer nor my purpose. 

I am.

I am home.

| broken daydreams |

♪ listen ♪

delicate black lashes graze my fingertips as i turn
to capture the wonder in his star-studded eyes

“what do you feel?”

he breathes and i smile at his
curious little question

“tell me, please,” he sings a whisper
(does he want to feel it too?)

i wish i could tell you:

how it feels to be blinded
become one with the dream
that i cannot bear to touch right in front of me

how i hear the universe breathe
a wistful serenade
for you and i as we lie
beneath its velveteen skies

how i long for a taste of your soul
as the layers to your broken, bleeding heart unfurl
for me to touch
naked. bare. vulnerable

you.

“what do i feel?”

i am enchanted
by a Miracle

“nothing. nothing at all.”


| come home, darling |

♪ listen ♪

i dream you are out there – some/where
floating in the ether
as lost as i but
towards me
you’d wander

we’d find each other by the tips of our
starkissed fingers
and the universe would shatter
the Gods would weep

i would touch your broken pieces
cut myself on the rough edges of your
pure, glimmering soul
i would bleed, my love
for you, i would

for if to have you, i must dream
dream i shall
enough to fill this wanting little heart
enough to hope
to see

you will return
you will come home to me
and i will wait

for our forever.

Under the Stars - Bodie Lighthouse


| revelation |

listen

you breathe
and i break
as i watch you weave magic in your careless, unfiltered way
that sinful mouth parts and out tumble your tales
and i wish that i could show you that
you’re more than your mistakes

you still can’t see, can you?
how i’m fighting to sit still
and not trace your imperfections
with the tips of my trembling lips.

you can’t see –
how i’m doing everything in my power
to not fall deeper into your laugh
or into the kindness in the pools of your chocolate eyes

you can’t see.
but: i do.

then one day
you turn with this catch in your breath
that stills my own heart
and you ask me, eyes wide,
“what does love look like?”
(i break a little more)
and shrug
“if only i knew”

oh, but i do, my darling:
it looks like you.

Para alcanzar lo que nunca has tenido, tendrás que hacer lo que nunca has hecho.
this is all i ask for.


| y o u |

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

e.e. cummings

listen

too often we find ourselves treading a path
one that puts us in the same place as everyone else in this
broken, mess of a world

and when we try to break the mould, we find ourselves falling back into this
cycle
that humanity has built to justify the means to an end
that society thinks is right

i don’t, and (maybe) you don’t either
and that’s perfectly okay. to not be like the rest of them
rather than be a face in this plastic mass of orphaned identities
choose to be you

so don’t let yourself be corrupted and shaped into what they want you to become
be what you were born to be

wherever that may take you.

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